


break your barriers love, and I'll break mine

by galaxymuncher



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Dealing With Trauma, Drug Use, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recreational Drug Use, Theo and Boris go to Vegas as Adults, Trauma, a bit of yearning boys, also kotku is there at some point, theo is dumb and boris wants to help them both, this is a GAYS ONLY EVENT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-01-25 00:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21347608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxymuncher/pseuds/galaxymuncher
Summary: don't let anything stand in your way, I'm behind you till the very end[boris and theo return to vegas]
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 3
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

Most nights after Amsterdam felt like absolute bliss, a waking dream that would never cease. Yet, other nights it felt more like a haze, with many that were forgotten entirely, never to be recovered. Polishing furniture became a pastime for me, whenever it was late and I just couldn’t lay down still, I’d wander back into Hobie’s workshop when I knew he was fast asleep and go down there, put on the apron hung directly by the entrance, then get to work. The experience was calming, rag going against the grain in circles, a repeated pattern, I almost always got lost in the process. By the time I would be done with whatever furniture item I’d chosen it’d be morning, right around the time to open the shop. 

Gradually over time it became less of something to help put me at ease, and more of an accidental hobby, one that Hobie was more than happy I’d taken up, which I don’t blame him for considering how much money is laundered from others under his name because of me. When I arrived back from Amsterdam that day, we talked a lot, I explained what had happened, how sorry I truly was, and how I wanted to turn over a new leaf, become a better man, one that didn’t cheat his way through his earnings. With his help, I turned over all the money back to every client swindled and ran the business how it should’ve been ran from the beginning. Days would drag on at a time, long periods of nothing notable, everything went back to how it was before Boris and I found one another again. He’d call me from time to time and check in.

“Potter! How are things?? Good I assume?”

I would always give the typical ‘things are just fine’ or ‘it’s been shit’ lines, give slim details then hang up. Out of area calls were expensive for us, so whenever we did call we didn’t linger for too long, just spit out what needs to be said then move on. One night, sipping on a Pilsner, relaxing on the mattress in the newly acquired apartment I had taken upon myself to rent out, he asked me about Popchyk.

“How is he? Has he been well? Does my little poustyshka miss me?”

At first I didn’t quite know how to go about telling him the news, but I knew that it was important he know at some point. Before I answered him I took another sip of my drink, carefully setting it onto the side while I sat up in bed, readjusting so that I was still comfortable.

“Boris...I’m sorry to tell you but, Popchyk died a few weeks ago...he was healthy, but he was getting up there in age, he died in his sleep so there wasn’t any pain…”

For a moment I briefly thought that he’d hung up on me, just snapped the phone shut without answering me, until I heard his lingering breaths on the other end and realized he was still there, probably trying to process the news.

“Oh I see, my condolences...poor little ball of fluff, the absolute precious baby, he will be happier up above than he was down below, much better there”

“I guess so”

“Listen Potter, I have to go, Miryam just arrived and we’ve got business to do, I’ll call you again when I can, ok?”

“Alright, stay safe”

“I will, you know I do, goodbye”

“Bye”

That night as I laid down to rest my mind could help but wander back to our conversation, replaying it to myself in the hopes I could figure out why he sounded so upset. Sure, Popchyk was our absolute life when we were young boys in Vegas, we’d feed him, we’d give him attention, and in return he was loyal to us and us alone. For as small as he was, his bark was mighty and his courage arguably was bigger than himself, he would guard my bedroom door, alerting us to the slightest change in the atmosphere with a squeal straight out of hell. 

That dog ended up being the greatest companion anyone could ever have, even if it seemed a bit gay walking him around the New York streets in the day. Yet, all the same, he was old, we both knew his time would come, though Boris wasn’t as in the know as Hobie and I were about him, regardless he still was prepared for it. Maybe it was because it was so soon? Or possibly it was the fact that he wasn’t there to see him off in his final days? Regret was hell to handle, it could easily manifest at any point in time and shrink you down until you were so small that you couldn’t defend yourself, allowing every bit of negativity to eat you alive until you’ve become an alien in your own skin. Over and over I thought about the possibilities until I felt my head spin, which I knew was a sign for me to quit and move on to something else, so I did.

It was just as easy as any other night to get into the workshop, Hobie really should’ve kept the door locked to prevent looters from making their way in to steal the priceless pieces that gradually collected dust, thus why I always made sure the front and back doors were locked before I headed home for the evening. Tonight’s selection was slim pickings, we’d had a large buy out recently of many original antiques taken from the storage unit Hobie rented out, leaving only a few select Chippendales, Hepplewhite’s, and assorted changelings behind to be restored. After a good few minutes of browsing around, touching several to see how the texture was, I settled for the lone Chippendale side table sitting in the way back, the one with way too much dust for my liking, one swipe across the top and specks were flying everywhere, making me cough quite harshly. Lucky for me the Swiffer was just an arms length away, so I grabbed it, cleaned off the top, then maneuvered it toward the front for better lighting. As if I were a well oiled machine, my body began to go into autopilot, beginning the process of applying the oil to the rag.

The table was small, well built, especially around the sides, which were curved inward on either side, making the corners even more exposed. I marveled at the beauty of how well it shined when the oil was applied, restoring it as close to its former state as it possibly could. I wondered who would have owned such a piece only to send it away? There was such immense value to it that went beyond a simple price tag, if nobody took it within the next two weeks I would be the one to give it a good home, even if there wasn’t any space. Just as I got to polishing the handles hanging off the front, a soft tapping noise caught my attention, not so loud that it would be noticed by anyone else but those with a keen sense of hearing.

_‘Who the hell is knocking at this hour? We’re closed. I’ll have to go warn them of that, unless it’s one of Hobie’s clients/friends showing up all of sudden’_

Looking for a moment to make sure I didn’t accidentally set the rag on somewhere it shouldn’t be, I made haste up the stairs, stepping carefully as to not alert Hobie of my presence yet also not going incredibly slow to make each step creak. The shop was incredibly dark, so much so that I nearly ran into a dresser while feeling my way around to the front door, thank god for it being made of glass, natural light soon poured into my line of vision, the familiar ‘Hobart and Blackwell’ sign plastered across in a perfect line. Immediately I froze in place only a few feet from the door, blinking in utter surprise at who I saw.

“..._ Boris? _”

I caught myself saying aloud, eyebrow cocked in confusion. Indeed I was right, standing off to the side of the step, hands firmly placed in his pockets, back toward me with that long black overcoat on, was Boris. Something had to be up if he was here now, I wasn’t expecting him for another few months, something about ‘important business matters, hush hush, cannot tell’. I shook myself back into reality, marching over to the door and throwing it open, feeling the cold breeze against my skin, goosebumps traveling all across.

“What on earth are you doing here??”

“Oh Potter! Good to see you answered! I had a feeling you would be in here, can I come in?”

“Yes of course, get in here, just tell me what’s going on please”

With my other free hand placed firmly to his back, I pushed him into the store, glancing about the near empty street to make sure he wasn’t followed here, though I was sure he checked just as much as I was, he was careful, always made sure his tracks were untraceable to even the most thorough of eyes. When looking at him again after shutting and re-locking the door, he looked completely normal, not a sign of anxiety on him. Faintly I remembered when he and I whisked ourselves away to Amsterdam that night, how much he sweated while on the plane, his legs bouncing, arms shaking, thankfully it all stopped when we landed, but that look of anxiousness never left, at least, not until we had retrieved the bird successfully.

“I have a favor to ask of you, will you hear me out?”

He turned to me, giving me that same look he always did, the silent code we built. How could I refuse? The wildest thing he ever inquired about to me happened ages ago, and he knew I wasn’t compatible in doing what he did, too much of an outlier, they’d all be caught in a matter of seconds if I stayed around. We had our separate lives, never again would they cross, that’s what we agreed to when in his apartment in Antwerp.

“Sure, what is it?”

“We need to go back to Vegas”

“...What?”

His arms went up into the air defensively, head bowing down and shaking a bit. As much as I wanted to burst in with about a million questions, I knew it was better to let him explain himself...which didn’t happen as my mouth started running before I could stop myself.

“What do you mean by that?? I thought we were putting that behind us??? Why go back all of a fucking sudden??”

“Hush Potter! You’re being too loud!”

A finger pointed toward the back, toward Hobie’s residence.

“Don’t want to wake Mr. Hobie with your yapping, so shut up and let me explain”

“Fine fine…”

“Ok, now, here is the deal---”

Hands clasped together in a clap, as if he were planning something.

“When you and I were talking earlier, you remember? Talked about poor Popchyk, god rest his soul, it got me thinking about Vegas again! Made me think...huh, what happened to that neighborhood while we were gone? Does Xandra still live there? Etc. etc. So! I told Myriam to keep going without me and made my way over here”

“...So what you’re saying is that we need to go back to check on Xandra? The bitch Xandra? The woman that would’ve given me up without so much as batting a fake eyelash?? THAT Xandra??”

“No no no! You misunderstand!”

“Like HELL do I misunderstand---”

“For fucks sake Potter, just listen for a minute!”

Stomping his way over to me, Boris shoved his hand onto my mouth to get me to shut up, which was fairly effective. I could smell the cigarettes, metal, and other assorted scents lingering on his hand, a disgusting concoction that made me want to yank it off of me as fast as humanly possible, but I held back, wanting to hear him out with however he was going to try to save this.

“Yes, Vegas is the worst place in the world for us, I know, I was there just as you were, hot as shit, bad memories, BUT! It also is the place that brought us together, made us who we are now, I know I owe a lot to that place...all I want to do is go back and see how it ended up, take a small trip down memory lane I guess, you don’t have to come, but the extra plane ticket I bought will go to waste if you don’t”

I was stunned to silence. In all the years I’d been away, Vegas only came up a select few times, reminding me of my boyhood years every now and again. Oh how carefree we were, dunking ourselves in the backyard pool late at night, punching at one another till we were black and blue and bloody, sharing that small bed together, entangled like weeds that weren’t easily torn apart. I could’ve wiped it all away in one instant, but something always told me not to, that I should keep them all like a time capsule to be discovered later on, even the memories that I couldn’t seem to unlock completely. His eyes were piercing into me, staring at me as he awaited for my answer.

“Are you in? Or not?”

My hand reached up to shove his away, finally able to take in the fresh, dusty air.

“...I’m in, let me pack”

“No time to pack, we will only be there for one day, the plane leaves in six hours, we have to go now! Gyuri is waiting for us right around the corner”

God dammit he really needed to stop doing that, surprise trips are supposed to be planned regardless of them being a surprise or not. There had to be time to get stuff together, but as I was pulled out of the shop forcefully I knew that all I’d be stuck with for a day would be the clothes on my back and whatever Boris had on him.

We arrived at the airport in the nick of time, there was only one carry on bag, so it made getting through TSA a breeze. Music drifted through the air, a quiet yet upbeat tune, (_ Wake me up, before you go go, don’t leave me hangin’ on like a yo-yo _), couldn’t say I’d ever heard it before, then again, I wasn’t big on music in the first place, so I just shrugged it off, listening as best as I could while we waited. The flight was just as stress inducing as the last time, I was sat next to him this time instead of across the aisle, I had the window seat and he had the middle. Once we were lifting off I saw how hard he was gripping the handle, knuckles white, fingers shaking, it was a strange swap from how he normally would act, aloof yet alert, always thinking, never showing an ounce of fear, and here he was, almost like a child in panic.

“You ok?”

Instantly he shook his head, knocking himself out of whatever trance he’d put himself in, looking at me with a half smile and chuckle.

“Yes, I’m fine, I just hate flying, better to drive everywhere---less chance of breaking down mid-air”

“Do you need a sedative?”

“Pah! Sedative? No, would just interfere with what is already in the system”

His finger went under his nose, which instantly I recognized. Glancing around momentarily, I leaned in closer to him, lowering my voice down to a whisper.

“Got anything left over?”

“You should have asked that earlier Potter, I took it all while on my way over to get you, and the rest while we were waiting, I’ll get us some more when we get there”

For hours I sat there in a state of ever growing panic, the last time I’d flown to Vegas was when they’d first come to collect me, the entire flight went by with a blur considering how fucked up I was, counting every particle of dust while I drifted in and out of consciousness. Here, I was wide awake, looking at any and everything to keep myself from falling apart, I couldn’t drift away into bliss like then, I was stuck here for as long as this flight was going to be. I was older now, it shouldn’t bother me as much as it did, that place meant nothing to me now...right? Boris’ words suddenly came to mind.

_ “Yes, Vegas is the worst place in the world for us, I know, I was there just as you were, hot as shit, bad memories, BUT! It also is the place that brought us together, made us who we are now” _

And yes, he was right, without Vegas I’d probably be where I was before I left; a closed off asshole that probably would’ve been dead before the age of 20, or possibly I would’ve ended up the same, I had no idea.

“We’re here, come on, Gyuri couldn’t come with us this time, so we have to make our way over ourselves”

He looked over to me, shuffling out into the aisle with all the other passengers, making sure I got out easily before proceeding out of the plane, into the stuffiness of McCarran International Airport, glancing at all the passengers splitting off like fish breaking off from their school, oddly satisfying. We made our way out easily enough, pushing past everyone in our rush, stepping out past the doors into the cool desert air. It was vastly different from when I was thirteen, the sun wasn’t beating down on my skin, I didn’t have to be stuck in a tense car ride for hours, and most importantly, it was just Boris and I, no parents or horrible girlfriends, us two, on the open road.

The car we chose was simple, a two door, small enough for the both of us, yet big enough so that we weren’t squished into a clown car. I was nervous for the both of us, last time Boris drove his arm was bleeding, wrapped in a make-shift tourniquet, almost getting us arrested with how badly he was driving, which would’ve been horrible considering his DUI and the fact we were both out of our right minds. Immediately upon sitting down, I looked over to him, eyes wide with worry.

“You will be fine Potter, this is not Amsterdam, I can drive us just fine”

“Are you sure about that? We can always hire a driver---”

“And replace Gyuri?? Out of the question! I would never have any other driver, he is the best driver I’ve ever had, now buckle up and help me look for signs, don’t want to get us pulled over cause you know---”

One finger pointed into the air, small smile on his face.

“Yes I know, drunk driving conviction”

With a chuckle Boris started the car, engine roaring to life with a tremendous burst. If I were as into cars as the many other men Kitsy had introduced me to I’d have been impressed, probably questioned what type of engine it was, maybe I’d consider getting one of my own, I was not one of those men however, I didn’t even have the slightest clue what type of car we were even in, all I knew was that we were rolling on, back to where it all began for us.

Surprisingly the trip over was deathly silent, the radio being the only background noise besides my ever growing tinnitus. As I promised, I made sure that he was driving correctly, pointing out stop signs and any other sign that we passed, each area we came up upon growing more and more familiar with every mile closer we got.

“Boris?”

“Hmm? What?”

“Aren’t you...nervous?”

“Nervous? No, anxious? Absolutely”

“...Maybe we shouldn’t have come”

I unconsciously started to fiddle with the edges of my sleeves, turning them about my wrists much like I used to do before tests, taking notice to this he briefly glanced over to me, taking one hand carefully off the wheel to place it on both wrists.

“No, maybe we shouldn’t have, but it is better to have come now than at any other point, right? You don’t have the bird anymore, so there’s nothing to hide”

The bird...the goldfinch, hidden behind the bedframe in my old room, but before then? It hid in the suitcase I packed in New York, constantly making me terrified that someone would ruffle through it in some type of random search and find it, they’d arrest me for art theft, throwing me into the slammer for who knows how long? It was always a lingering fear in the back of my mind, so I constantly moved it around, making sure it was in a place where it wouldn’t be spotted so easily, keeping it in as best a temperature controlled environment I could at the time, an incredibly hard task for a young child who lives in one of the hottest deserts around and also doesn’t know shit about art other than what he researched on a library computer. I gripped onto his hand tight, looking ahead.

“...We’re here, Desert End Road...home”

Chills ran down my spine, there it was, the bend we always turned when heading into the neighborhood, it looked just as empty as it did all those years ago, minus a few houses that seemed to be either decrepit or torn down.

“Holy shit! What a dump! I knew this place would probably be a shithole but I never thought it would be THIS bad!”

“No kidding…”

It felt almost like wandering through a ghost town, remnants of what was there before still lingered in the framework of each building passed, telling the story of the former owners in every brick and plank, if you listened hard enough the passing breeze would talk to you (abandon your faith now, there’s nothing for you here travelers). I was astonished, in the daylight this place felt distant...but still felt like home, now in the moonlight it only felt foreign, unknown, territory yet to be explored. We parked on the curb (yes ON the curb, not against, Boris couldn’t see it and didn’t bother to fix it, ‘not now Potter! Much to explore!’) and got out, looking all around us, taking in the memories.

“Look! The dumpster is still there!”

I followed to where he pointed, seeing the large outline of the dumpster where there was once a building, funny how it still stood when everything else around it was destroyed.

“Do you think the playground is still there?”

My eyes wandered back over to him, his smile small, disingenuine.

“I hope so! That would be amazing if it did! Fucking thing must be a million years old by now”

“Boris”

Head whipping around, curls flying everywhere. Briefly I caught the image of us sitting on my couch, laughing at something I said, his hair going everywhere, I remember how entranced I was by it, how I wanted to reach out and tangle my fingers in, feel the texture of it.

“What? Getting cold feet all of a sudden, Potter?”

“Pfft no”

I reached over, punching his shoulder while he threw his head back to laugh.

“Then what is it, huh?”

“...Are you ready for this?”

“Like you say, as ready as I’ll ever be, now let’s go before I freeze my ass off”

With a tilt of his head we began to walk toward the front door of my old home. Paint masked what used to be a white door with a deep brown, a hideous color choice for a house that mainly consisted of shades of brown. No lights were on, no cars in the driveway, nobody home. Boris did a quick case of the house, inspecting every window he could to make for certain we were the only ones on this property. He came back with a thumbs up, we were in the clear.

“Now, I saw that the backdoor is off the track a bit, so we should have no problems getting in, follow me”

“And you’re sure we’re alone?”

“Positive, but keep an eye out just in case, you never know”

Though I didn’t trust that last part of his sentence I followed anyways, there was no other choice now, we were here, we couldn’t go anywhere else. We passed the pool, light turned off, water emptied. It looked a lot larger this way, despite the fact that I’d seen Boris’ empty pool before, which was the exact same as mine...my mind just couldn’t comprehend that this was once _ my _pool. With one hand on the door, he used his free hand to make the shooing motion, the signal for me to back away and keep watch, not that there was much to watch for considering the state of things.

“Got it”

His voice rang across the area, echoing on the walls of the pool. The door slid open jankily, clunking rather loudly while it was being moved, thankfully Boris knew how to handle this and I didn’t worry too much about it, I trusted him to make sure we wouldn’t get caught. Shuffling in we were greeted to the ever familiar sight of the kitchen/living room. No furniture sat in it, only stray bits of wrappers, papers, and other assorted garbage were all that remained. Even in the dark I could recognize the indents in the ground where the sofa and chair sat in front of the tv, stains adorning the ground in random spots, we both knew where those were from.

“Feels like a...a...Potter what is the word? It’s on the tip of my tongue---starts with h?”

The snapping of his fingers startled me a bit, causing me to involuntarily cover his hands with one of mine to silence him.

“It’s husk”

“Yes! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome, just keep it down, we don’t know if there’s someone here or not”

“Right right, I forgot, got caught up in the moment”

Stalking about as quietly as we could, we made quick work of inspecting the house for any potential owners slumbering, checking the downstairs, then the upstairs, and once we knew were in the clear we finally were able to relax, the both of us exhaling at the same time. He plopped himself down on the floor of my room, sitting where once my bed sat, patting a space beside him while he lowered himself down onto his back. Obliging I wandered over, sitting near him, looking around. The cracks in the foundation remained the same, ranging from one corner to the middle of the ceiling, now it looked even more so that it would come apart at any moment on top of us. Window remained closed, locked up tight to prevent air escaping in the day, the blinds were still the same as they always were, cracked open ever so slightly to allow a few strands of moonlight to flow into the space.

“Do you remember when we used to sleep here? I always insisted I sleep in your room, never the couch or the floor, always with you and Popchyk”

“Yeah...you and I always woke up huddled together, I always compared us to kids on a stranded island, completely lost, but we had each other so it was fine”

“Ha! I never thought of that! I just thought it was normal, to be close together, nice body heat when it got cold”

I heard the sound of him patting his chest a couple of times before we both started to laugh. Despite all the light hearted tom-foolery, I could still feel my heart racing anxiously while sitting there, hands shaking, I hide them in my pockets as best I could. As much as I was having fun, all I wanted to do was escape, get out of this cramped space and never turn back. We had our moment...now it was time to go. Suddenly he did something I never expected, he rose to his feet, walked over to the wall in front of us, and laid his fist as hard as he could into it, leaving a rather large dent. Turning around to look at me I finally saw his most genuine smile.

“What? Did you just expect it to be all laughs and smiles? Like haha look at this place, remember this? Remember that? No, come here, let out your frustration, get it out of your system”

Frustration? Did he think I was angry? Well, he was half right, I was angry, but more than that I was terrified, here I was standing in the remains of the one safe haven I once had to shelter me from the raging storm and we were gonna start punching holes in it? What were we trying be reckless teens again or something??

“You expect me to be able to pop a punch as good as yours? We’re destroying property that could be sold at a reasonable price”

“Very true, but this place was once yours...you can do whatever you want to it, so go ahead! Try it! Is good for the stress, trust me”

Inhaling a large amount of air, I made my way over to where Boris was, watching as he side stepped away to let me in, motioning upward to another blank space for me to take a crack at. I’d never punched a wall before, and I don’t think I’d ever punched hard enough to make the same size dent he did let alone a hole, but now was as good a time as ever to test out my skills. Winding back my arm like a professional boxer going in for the final blow, I made sure my aim would be perfect, dead on the target. 

Within seconds searing pain tore up my arm as a loud _ WHAM! _indicated that one of two things had happened, that I had successfully broke the wall, and that I could’ve very well busted my knuckles, I drew my hand back toward my chest as I cradled it, trying to assess how bad the damage was.

“Shit Potter! Are you ok?? That is one hell of a hole you made! Bigger than mine!”

“What?”

“Look! Went clean to the foundation!”

I couldn’t focus well, my fingers were going numb and I was certain blood was running down my sleeve. He wouldn’t stop pestering me however so I took a brief pause to look, and sure enough he was correct, my punch broke off large bits of the plaster wall, showing off the interior behind it, the bones keeping the body together. For the briefest of moments in my rush to try to make sure I was ok, I...actually was very proud of my handy-work. His warm hands covered mine, helping me scan over better by the window.

“Doesn’t look like you broke anything, can you feel anything when I do this?”

Gently he pushed my fingers back, sharp pain making me yelp a bit, more of a surprise than actual pain.

“I’ll take that as a yes, you probably bruised it, don’t punch anything else with that hand for a few days, ice and wrap it when we get home”

“...We?”

“Yeah, did I not tell you? I’m moving up when I’m staying with you, since everything is in Myriam’s hands now...and also we traveled here together, I just thought it made more sense”

“I wasn’t...the apartment isn’t ready for you yet, Boris”

“I do not mind sleeping on the floor, or sharing the bed!”

I didn’t have the patience to deal with this tonight, now all I had on my mind was to rest the night off and forget this ever even happened. I shook my head as I began to head out the door, Boris only but a few steps behind my heels.

“This was a mistake, I’m going home”

“Wait Potter! There is more to do!”

He was slowly starting to get on my nerves now, I whipped around to face him, hand huddled close as if I were cradling a baby (not that well I might add).

“What MORE do we have to do here? Unlike you I’d rather not relive my fucking awful ass childhood for another second, I wanna catch the fastest flight home and forget about all of this! Like I should’ve done from the beginning!”

I knew what I was saying was upsetting him, I could see the look in his eyes, shifting from neutral to nothing in a matter of seconds. I’d tripped on a loose nerve, one I hadn’t so much as bothered to mention in many many years. With a speed unlike I’d ever seen before from him, he gripped my shirt tight, yanking me close to him. This was his intimidation tactic, only reserved for those he wanted information out of and were being extremely difficult.

“I am not trying to relive _ anything _, Theo…”

Shit...I hadn’t heard him use that name in a _ very _ long time, now I knew he was being serious.

“And I’m not trying to make you relive your shit! It’s your choice if you want to do that or not, it’s _ your _ life and _ your _pain, not mine...but I wanted us to come here for one reason, and that was to try to help get rid of it, put it behind us forever so that we can finally move on! You say you had therapy? Well consider this therapy too Potter! Maybe even more effective than that!”

While he spoke I couldn’t help but stare at him directly in the eyes, watching how dark they got with every word he spat at me. Finally he decided to let me go, backing off a bit with heavy foot stomps, emphasizing his point further.

“Catch your flight, get out of here if you want to so badly! But I’ll be here, I’m not leaving until everything is crushed, burned, and broken....just like me”

The air ran colder as he stomped past, a shiver running down my spine, blood running cold. I heard distantly the front door slamming shut, signaling his exit to wherever he was heading without me. 

“_ Crushed, burned, and broken...just like me _”

Over all the time we spent together, Boris had gone through much more agony than I ever had, there were no blue skies in his world, only heavy rain and smog intermixed with sluggish headaches, endless drinks, and constant highs to chase. I always tailed him in his endeavours, but every time I reached out to catch him, it was too late. He hid whatever he could to keep some ounce of privacy to him, I could never read him, that never stopped me from trying.

Instead of staying there like a moron, I gathered up myself and headed out the front door, shutting it carefully. In his rage he splintered the door frame, preventing it from going all the way back into place, but that didn’t matter, free for looters to do as they pleased now. This wasn’t home anymore. I had a vague idea of where he went, wind whipped my face as I followed the path after him, stopping to look at the street for a moment...remembering when he told me about how I used to lay there, waiting for a passing car to take me out, how he’d drag me in every time while I screamed for him to let me die. Sighing, I focused on the task again and headed off, keeping an eye out for any signs of his presence.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's final, let it rest.

It was as if the desert were designed to hide those who wanted to remain hidden, providing those a refuge in the sand despite how open the land was, no trees in sight yet it was so easy to get lost in a matter of seconds with only a few steps. I could’ve wandered forever had I strayed from the path, never to be seen again, perishing from the heat bearing down on me. My only wish; to not to die alone.

The end of the street came upon me faster than I expected, and I found what I should’ve thought of in the first place; his home. I had considered the possibility that he’d gone home in my wandering---not realizing that this wasn’t what he considered his true home, but merely the place where his father would wander in, bottle in one hand, womens hands in the other.

Sharp pain coursed through when I fixed my arm into a better position, making me flinch. I pressed on, arriving at the front stoop. I noticed the door opened a crack, lock long since broken. Throwing all caution to the wind, my shoulder shoved the door in, eyes scanning the dark interior for signs that someone had recently been here.

“Boris? Are you here?”

My voice came out more of a stage whisper, comical really. My feet echoed across the vacant interior while I explored, remembering how little we were here. Such special times, hiding in his room, taking swigs from bottles we brought from my refrigerator, probably watching an old black and white classic he’d scavenged from boxes in his closet. He always explained where he’d taken them from or how someone was nice enough to lend one to him, though when he promised to bring it back, they moved again before he had the chance. I felt myself smiling at the thought, staring absentmindedly stairs leading up to the second floor, considering making my way up there.

“You look worse for wear, Potter”

Somewhere in the depths of the house someone spoke to me, making me jump to attention. It was a woman, homeless? But she said my name---.she knew me, but how? All sorts of questions formulated in my mind, distracting me until I saw her appear from the hallway leading to the door, arms crossed, chipped black nails tapping against her pale forearm. 

I squinted a bit, very little light was provided to me and I was having a hard time making out her face---that was, until I saw familiar fading orange streaks against dark hair, sporting a familiar row of nine clips holding her bangs up.

“Kotku…?”

She raised her arms up, laughing, her hair thrown back over her shoulder. A tattoo on her shoulder caught my attention suddenly, a rose with spiraling vines, possibly a name written in it? It was too hard to tell.

“Surprise surprise! Good to see you too, got into breaking into houses finally I see”

Blunt and straight to the point---yup, that was Kotku alright, no mistaking it. I tucked my freehand into my pocket, sighing with a slump down to the floor. It was all a bit much, there were so many things I wanted to say, some harsher than others. Alternatively, I chose to sit silent, watching her join me and lean on her elbows to study me, an old habit.

“What? Did I scare you THAT bad? Jesus Theo, grow some balls already”

“Sorry, but I’m just...a bit confused as to why you’re even---I mean, Why here? Why an old abandoned house?”

Shrug, some hair was tossed back again. I noticed that looking at her better she had a fair bit of piercings, one on her nose, another below her bottom lip, a few hanging from her ears, which was an upgrade from those ugly ones she bought for cheap at the drugstore, maybe those ear infections got to be too much.

“It’s not  _ just  _ an abandoned house, you know that, I know that, so let's stop beating around the bush already for fucks sake---where is he? I got a call from him saying that he needed help with something and to meet him”

Her eyes wandered, hands rubbing together for some semblance of warmth. Considering her state of not wearing a coat, I was surprised by how she wasn’t shivering her ass off. I took a few moments before I decided to answer, making sure my words were careful, seeing as she wanted to hang on my sentences for some reason now.

“He and I were at my house...we had a few choice words, he walked out, and now I don’t know where he is”

“Are you fucking kidding me??”

Infuriated, Kotku got to her feet, yanking me right along with her. Over the years she must’ve gotten some strength back, if she had tried such a stunt with me back then I’d still be on the floor. Her eyes burned with intense irritation, making me feel a fear for her I’d never considered before. She was tougher, less bitchy in an annoying way, something I thought could never happen in all the time I had been exposed to her. I almost wanted to rejoice at the prospect, if my arm weren’t slowly getting crushed by her bony fingers.

“Listen, I don’t want my time wasted, I have shit to do unlike you chuckle-fucks---”

Chuckle-fucks? That was a new one.

“---Now, if you can’t find him? Then I’m leaving, got it?”

Nodding at her seemed to make her satisfied, letting go of me so that I could resume my search for Boris. I felt like those goons on Saturday morning cartoons, working for the bad guy as they searched for the protagonist. Just as my back turned to her, we heard a  _ CRASH! _ from the second floor, knowing immediately it was him we made haste up the stairs, slamming open the door at the very end, his old room.

Another crash filled the silence, glass flew all about us like droplets of rain. My arm came up to cover my face, small bits cutting the exposed parts of my face. Kotku went to move into the room further, only to stop when she heard his deep, guttural yell. His form sank to the floor, surrounded by the remnants of whatever he was throwing before, though that didn’t seem to bother him.

“Fucking  _ asshole!  _ Ruined my fucking life with your drinks and your fists! I would kill you if I ever saw your ugly face again!  _ Ya khotel by, chtoby ya nikogda ne rodilsya! _ ”

Fists laid into the wall, banging them repeatedly as he screamed. All we could do was watch passively. She had moved back shakily, I stepped in to take her place, slowly approaching him with a hand outstretched. Noticing me, Boris stopped, facing me with eyes burning red, cheeks wet. I could tell even in the dark how much he’d been crying since I last saw him, making my heart suddenly ache.

“You didn’t leave? Thought you’d be at the airport by now”

“I considered it---but I changed my mind”

Sinking down beside him, my hand reached his shoulder, rubbing it gently with reassurance. His gaze went to Kotku for a moment, frame leaning against the door, looking away as we talked.

“She convince you to stay?”

I shrugged, smiling a bit.

“Kinda, mostly I didn’t want to leave you alone here, tearing shit down without me---like you said, there’s more to do here”

That got a smile out of him, I missed seeing it admittedly. Boris without his smile felt wrong, like a part of the universe had snapped out of place. Though he didn’t have as many moments of panic or despair as I did, there were times when something would get through the wall he built, something that deeply bothered him, causing him to finally crack and give away under pressure. Days like those were heavier, for a while I left him in peace to deal with himself, but after a certain point I couldn’t stand for it anymore.

One of these times, he’d been curled up beside me on the couch, Popchyk at his feet, head of curls in my lap. I suddenly got the idea to tell him a joke he’d taught me in Russian, butchering every word like always, yet it made him stop---and he laughed, so hard in fact that he fell onto the floor. From then on, I made myself promise that I would do whatever it took to make Boris laugh.

Leaning over, I messed up his hair, hearing his chuckle as he tried to frantically swat my hand away. Kotku was the one to eventually break us up.

“Alright boys, enough with the rough housing, we’ve got shit to do”

We watched as she wandered out, the heels of her shoes  _ click click _ clicking against the hardwood to the exit. Alone again, like we always were, just the two of us on the floor. Looking over to me, Boris grinned his usual wide grin.

“We should follow her, the night is young as you say, and I have a surprise for all of us”

“A surprise? Should I be afraid or excited?”

Another chuckle, he slugged me in the arm.

“Be excited, Potter! Is a good surprise, I promise!”

He was the first to his feet, dusting off his pants to make sure nothing remained of his breakdown. His hand offered me assistance, which I took. Looking around at his room one last time, I saw how much damage he’d truly done. Walls covered with large holes, some creating cracks that would run all across the room, threatening to break. Bits of glass surrounded our feet, crunching as we tried our best not to step directly on them.

One by one we filed down to the living area, giving a parting glance. She was waiting for us a few blocks down, tapping her feet, examining her shitty nail job.

“Where’d you park the car?”

“Right by Potter’s house, the one sitting on the curb”

Her eyebrow raised, questioning the way he worded his sentence for a moment, but shrugged it off in favor of getting to it. Exchanging another glance to one another, we followed after her as fast as we could, her stride significantly faster than ours. I realized after a few moments that we were still holding hands, interlocked together like knots, to which I smiled and kept on.

Already in the back seat, we arrived only a few moments after she slammed the door. As much as I wanted to ask about why she was in such a rush, I just kept my mouth shut, getting into the car and watching the neighborhood disappear behind us. Just as quickly as we arrived, we’d left, a blur—much like before.

“Here, Boris asked for me to give you this, I forgot when we were back there but take it---”

A bag flew from the back into my lap, nearly slipping onto the floor. For a moment I pondered what she meant until I examined the contents, realizing what was in it. He’d kept that minute promise from the plane ride, though I shouldn’t have been so surprised at the fact he remembered something such as  _ that _ .

“Take a few, then give me some cause the one’s I took earlier are already starting to crap out”

I handed them over to him after pulling out two, which he put into his pocket presumably for later, I followed his example and did the same, putting the rest of the bag into the cupholder inside the door. Driving out took a while, many times he had to slam down onto the breaks to prevent us from crashing head-on into another, or to make sure he got through a four way stop properly. From the rear-view mirror I could see Kotku holding herself rather close, eyes a bit wide at the realization that maybe she shouldn’t have let Boris be the driver on this particular venture.

In the horizon I could see a large building come to view, getting more visible with every inch forward. Upon hitting a speed bump near the outside gates, vaguely there was a rattle coming from the trunk, I made no further note of it. Instead, getting distracted by a familiar sign, looking like it was sitting on its last legs.

“Oh my god…”

“See??? I told you it would be a good surprise!”

My head whipped around rather fast to look at Boris, seeing the grin growing on his face again. Pieces of the puzzle finally clicked into place, the clunking in the back, the abundant amount of what appeared to be Ativan pills, and even the appearance of Kotku; we were set out to trash the school, much like we were doing before in our old neighborhood. Objections began to shout in my mind, begging me to run away (Go back home where you’re safe! They’re only going to drag you down with them!  _ But when haven’t they? _ ), but I placed them out of my mind. Boris stopped us all outside, getting out the necessary tools for us to begin our binge of the night, setting them up on the hood of the car. Kotku got first dibs, showing us just how she really didn’t snort up as much as we did, easy enough to tell from the small, fading dots blotched on the insides of her arms. He let me go next, holding the tin out toward me.

“You can go, I don’t mind”

“Ah bup! I insist Potter! You asked and waited, don’t want to keep you waiting any longer”

Shrugging, I went in to take the hit, with some minor help from him as he was still holding onto it for whatever reason, ruffling my hair when it was all gone. I was reminded of my dad whenever a sports game went his way. All the sensation hit me at once, bringing me back to a time I’d missed every night since my decision to go sober again, wrapping me in the warm, static-y embrace of familiarity once more. While I gazed at my hands, wondering if they were shaking, Boris had done his line and was wiping his nose when I looked up again.

“Perfect! Now we’re ready to go?”

“D’ya get the shit?”

“Yes, everything was arranged for when we got here, take the key and pick whatever you want”

The clanging of the key on the keyring flying through the air caught my attention, I laughed at how loud it was. My mind blanked in the time she went around to get whatever the thing was, remembering the halls, each individual click of shoes on tile floors, chatter within cliques of friends about whatever was buzzing at the time. That was a popular thing to do, not really something New York provided to the fullest extent, buzz about like annoying flies and gossip about who’s fucking who or what party raged on last weekend (‘did you hear richard got so shit faced he kissed miranda??’ ‘oh my god no way!’). Though, lucky for he and I we managed to avoid such crowds, instead swerving into our own little corner, where only we belonged...no one allowed, except maybe Kotku when she started peering her face into our business.

“Potter? You coming?”

There he stood in front of me, shaking my shoulder to bring me back in, he always did. I stupidly looked to him, confused by where the lead pipe in his other hand had come from.

“Where’d you pull that out of?”

“What this? Someone I know owed me a favor, so I asked him to get as many tools as he could and put them in the trunk of our rental car, turns out there are a shit ton of weapons out there we could use, so he took liberties and just shoved them in there for us, go pick one! Two if you want!”

“And hurry it, I wanna get in there already”

Jesus, still being pushy, I had half a mind now that I was fueled by Ativan to ask her what crawled up her ass and died. Alas, I relented, making my way over to pick my weapon of choice—to which I saw that Boris was indeed not kidding by how many his ‘supplier’ had put in. From what I could see, there were lead pipes like his laying around, a few pipe wrenches, and a few others assorted knick-knacks. Deciding I didn’t want to waste any more precious time, my good hand hovered over to the lone sledgehammer, grabbing it with the intent of not letting go.

“Perfect! Let’s get going! The side of the building is open for us”

With weapons at the ready, we descended upon the school. Adrenaline rushed through my veins, finally, we were all going to put to rest another piece that haunted us. He opened the door, letting the both of us go first, winking at me as I passed him. I returned one, making him laugh.

“Pick your places and go for it, we’ll meet back here when we’re done”

“Sounds like a plan, boss”

“You good with this too, Potter?”

“Hell yeah”

“Good, now go! Give them hell!”

We split, Kotku heading for the upstairs with a mighty yell akin to the likes of Conan the Barbarian or something close, I went for a lower classroom I had frequented, and Boris went on somewhere I didn’t see. I slightly regretted the fact that I couldn’t wield with both hands, knowing there’d be less power behind my swings without it. However, I was doing decent damage, carving hole after hole into the walls where blackboards sat and inspirational posters hung, feeling such glee in tearing it down. At some point in my strange bliss I found myself yelling incoherent words, some stray tears wandering down my cheeks. 

I don’t know when I slumped to the ground, sledgehammer abandoned in the beginnings of a divot. I don’t remember placing my head in my hands, curled toward my knees. The one thing I do remember was feeling him walk beside me, leaning down with a hand placed firmly to my shoulder, turning me to look to him. His forehead touching mine made me cry harder, whatever was coherent muddled away under his touch, like we were in the bubble again.

“It’s painful, is it not? Like tugging the string on a violin too hard until it snaps under your finger?”

That was probably the most eloquent thing I’d ever heard him say. All I could do was nod, feeling his fingers run through my dingy hair.

“It would’ve been easier to not come here, forget our lives started where we are now instead of in a desert, but is good for us, we needed this, we need to kill the old so we can start as we have always wanted to”

“Does it have to sound that harsh?”

Soft chuckles, his eyes radiated in the dark, a stark comparison from what I’d seen the entire time.

“Sometimes, just so the point can get across”

Slowly he pulled away from me, to which I pulled him back. I wanted to keep him there forever if I could, his gaze on me. My breathing was shallow, almost as if I didn’t want to take away what air there was for the both of us. All I could do was look at him. We didn’t move, it was like he knew, running his fingers through my hair again until his hand cupped the side of my head, covering my now freezing cold ear. Briefly we weren’t grown adults sulking away in the shadows of memory, we were boys again, close and careful, watching one another to keep safe. As long as we stayed together, the barrier was unbreakable.

I leaned in first, pushing past that simple touch into something more, our lips connected. It didn’t feel anything like what brief encounter we had that night I left, that felt final, this felt---stronger. When we pulled apart, my mind swirled with about a million possible apologies, none would be spoken. Boris connected our lips together again, hand on the back of my neck, mine placed firmly to the back of his head, feeling through his curls like I’ve wanted the whole night. Some time passed, we’d finally broken apart and just sat there, his hand now atop of mine on the ground, our eyes looking ahead at the remains of the room I didn’t get to finish destroying.

“Which room did you choose?”

It took a few moments for him to answer, which was strange considering he should’ve already had a place in mind when coming here, right?

“I took the principal’s office, but Kotku had already trashed it, so I wandered around for a bit until I found you”

“So you didn’t bust anything up?”

“Nope, not majorly, I did wack a few walls here and there in the hallways”

A finger pointed out the door, right at a large hole still crumbling across from us. Debris fluttered about, a large  _ CRASH!  _ from somewhere above us indicated how well she was fairing, a loud screech accompanying it not too long after.

“Is she ok???”

“She’ll be fine, if she were hurt I would know”

“That’s quite a big assumption to make---for all we know she hit the ceiling and part of it fell on her and cracked her skull or something”

“You worry too much Potter, I know her well enough to know she’ll be careful”

I rolled my eyes, laying my head down as best as I could against his shoulder, listening to Kotku going absolutely ape-shit.

“I wanna join in on the fun, get some more out of my system”

“We shouldn’t interrupt her, or she might accidentally hit us, there’s Mrs. Spear’s room just a ways down from here if you want to go take that one apart?”

“Only if you come with me”

“Of course”

Slowly we got up together, his hand clasping mine again. Making our way to the room I playfully swung our hands up and down, much like two kids in kindergarten. I thought about the moon shining down on the plain, covering everything with a silver light that gave new perspective to what we normally would see in the day. I remembered a constellation that I always pointed out to him, even if he wasn’t paying attention.

“Delphinus…”

“What?”

“The constellation---the one we always saw on the playground?”

“Yeah? What about it?”

I couldn’t even start my sentence before she came barreling down toward us, throwing her arms around both our shoulders, cackling up a storm. We gave a brief look to one another, what got into her all of a sudden? Quickly we followed suit, bringing her in closer while we all laughed together. My hand stung from clinging to the both of them so hard, but that didn’t matter. Looking up I could see all the dust settling into her hair, the clips she wore were all steadily falling out, one of the nine had already disappeared.

“That was better than I thought it would be! I went into that civics class we used to have---”

“Oh! That one with the shitty textbook??”

We were standing in a kinda triangle formation as we talked, he morphed his face to mimic one of the kids facial expressions seen on the cover.

“Yeah yeah! There was one of them STILL in there, so I snagged it and threw it through one of the windows! God it felt so satisfying!”

Her fingers threaded through her locks, taking out the bits of debris that were still lodged in there. She had a smile that felt infectious, lighting up the dark room considerably.

“Whatever happened to getting in and getting out?”

That warranted her shooting a look at me, shoving me. I’d have fallen down on my ass had I not caught myself in time.

“Look I’m sorry for that alright? I didn’t figure it’d be THIS fun, I thought it’d be like any other time we hung out; boring, with lots of arguing in between”

“All in the past now, Kotkyu! We are different people now! Not like the asshole kids you saw before!”

Boris’ hand patted her on the back a few times, her body moving forward with each one.

“I can see that---especially in Theo over here, I thought for sure the guy would’ve pissed off the moment he saw me, maybe call me a name or two”

I rolled my eyes, sauntering off toward the exit with hands in my pockets. They were calling for me to come back but I kept going, to be frank I was getting exhausted, the flight home would be coming around soon. Looking over my shoulder, I nodded my head for him to follow, they both did.

“Well I guess I jumped the gun a bit too soon”

“No, he just wants to make sure we don’t miss our flight”

“You’re not staying?”

“As much as I want to stay---I can’t fucking stand it here, the sooner we get home the better”

Arriving at the entrance, I saw the stars. Ursa Minor and Major, The Gemini Twins, and of course, Delphinus. Silently my finger traced the pattern, memorizing the sight for as long as I could, burning it into my memory. Better to see it in person than in a book from the public library.

“You playing connect the dots with the sky?”

“Shut up asshole”

“Now THERE’S the Theo I know and tolerate”

I turned to look at her, smiling instead of glaring. Instead of giving her a half-hearted handshake, pat on the shoulder, then leaving, like most of the people I’d meet in my daily life, I gave her a bear hug (as my mother would call them), holding her as tight to me as I could.

“I’m sorry I gave you hell”

“It’s alright, I’m sorry for giving you hell too”

“So we’re even?”

“Even Stevens”

When I pulled away from her, Kotku’s eyes seemed to shimmer in the moonlight, giving a radiance of hope in her dark hazel eyes, one I hadn’t seen when were young. She really had grown.

“Where’re you heading after this?”

“Home most likely, my roommate probably wondering where I left for so late at night when I told her I was staying in”

Boris butted in eventually, hugging her just as firmly as I did. They exchanged a long glance at each other, nodding, and eventually parting. I could tell he was grateful that she had made it, he had probably missed seeing her. I did too. She stood off to the side of the rusty gate that once protected the entrance, arms crossed, watching us head off to the car.

“Why don’t we take her home? She’s probably close by”

“I tried to ask her, but she kept saying it was fine, that her roommate would come get her and we didn’t need to go through the trouble”

“It’s not any trouble”

“Try telling that to her”

Another laugh. I was starting to enjoy hearing it again, it rang in my ears, easing some of the tinnitus. We slipped into the car, driving off toward the airport, returning to where we actually belonged. 

Before we could even get our way toward the main road, he pulled the car off to the side, getting out saying that he had to do one last thing. 

“Can’t it wait?”

“Absolutely not!”

I got out with him, watching as he pulled a board of wood from the trunk I hadn’t noticed, sticking it into the ground as hard as he could. There was an inscription written on it, in large dark letters that took me a few moments to finally make out:

‘In loving memory of our dearest Popchyk 

2013-20XX 

May he rest in happiness with all the treats and love he never got’

Kneeling down, he paid his last respects, and when he got up, I did the same. I wasn’t religious by any means, I just merely hoped we did our best to care for him when no one else would. Afterwards we drove on in silence, him occasionally holding my hand, the smile never leaving our faces.

A string had connected our hearts together, tethering our souls so that we could never be apart. We stood the test of time, when all else would yank our hands away, we’d come running back. Destiny was behind us, ushering us forward into whatever it planned next, and as I kept glancing to him from the corner of my eye, deep down I knew we were ready for it all. Bring it on.


End file.
